Endless Polka
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: A parody of Endless Waltz. And its weird, too.
1. The Entirely Too Pathetic First Chapter

I have a headache, I'm pissed off, and I've been thinking. I can't think of a worse combination than that. It isn't bad when writing though. It can actually be fairly helpful when writing... Anyways, that isn't really the point of this opening paragraph, is it now? Then again, there never is. I once again have no idea what I'm going to write. So I'm going to force myself to think of something to write about... Right then. I've got it. Hmmm... I think it'd probably make a better movie than it would a book. All of my fics would, probably. Though that may just be because I'm a crappy writer. I dunno. Anyways, here's... Well... Something that will hopefully not be all that bad....  
  
Duo sat on his bed, staring out the window of his hotel room on a fairly busy colony. "Well... The next time someone tells me I should take a vacation, my answer will be 'screw you.' This is boring... If Heero were here, it probably wouldn't..." Duo fell backwards on his bed. "Damn it. Heero died in the fight with Mariamaia." (Not sure on the spelling... When I paused it it looked all blurry, but I was pretty sure that's what it said on Heeros computery thingy.) Duo stood up from his bed with a troubled expression on his face. "But I can't really help but wonder... I mean, I saw the body... I saw with my own eyes that he was dead... But still, I don't think Heero could possibly have died that easily. After all he's lived through, it doesn't seem possible for him to die at all." Duo shook his head and exited the room, hoping to find something to take his mind off his latest battle. Just wishful thinking...  
  
Duo left the hotel and began wandering the streets. "Hmmm... For such a popular colony, there doesn't seem to be very much going on around here." There were a lot of people walking around, and one of them bumped into Duo. Duo fell to the ground, but got up and looked in the direction the person had gone in just in time to see a flash of an Oz uniform beneath a trenchcoat. "What the hell is OZ doing here? Weren't they disbanded or something? Well... I don't really have anything better to do, so why not follow the guy?" Duo snuck after the man, who had just slipped around the corner of a building. Duo poked his head around the corner, but saw nothing. "If he wants to play hide and seek, that's fine with me. It's better than sitting in a hotel room staring at the wall." Duo ran down the alleyway hoping to find the Oz soldier. Halfway through, the man in the Oz uniform jumped off the roof of one of the buildings making up the alleyway and landed behind Duo, putting an arm around Duos throat. "Why are you following me?" A metallic voice asked.  
  
He's using some kind of voice... I don't know, some voice thingy. He's using it to distort his voice... "I asked you a question, Mr. Maxwell." Duo was momentarily shocked. "Someone said you ordered several pizzas, and I just wanted to ask if I could have a few slices." Duo replied sarcastically. "Don't get smart with me, Maxwell. If you have no intention of killing me or ruining my plans, I might just have a little bit of information that you could find interesting." Duo snorted. "I seriously doubt you know anything I don't that I would want to know. But just for the record I didn't have any intention of killing you, I don't even know who you are." Duo felt the man nod his head. "Okay, then. Follow me." The man said, without the voice distorting device. That voice sounds familiar... The man released Duo and began walking back in the direction they had come from. Duo turned and saw who the man was. "Zechs Merquise. Shoulda known. Nobody else would be crazy enough to wear an Oz uniform in public, even with a trench coat over top of it." Duo ran after Zechs.  
  
Zechs led Duo to a large, empty warehouse. "Duo, did you know that a group of scientists were on a remote colony not too long ago attempting to make clones? Exact duplicates that look, sound, think and act just like the original." Duo shook his head. "What does that have to do with me?" Zechs smiled. "Well, they were finally successful with some DNA they had gotten from an unnamed source. They were only able to make one clone. And soon after they made that clone, the original found the clone and took it. The only DNA that worked was the DNA of a boy code named Heero Yuy." Duo stared blankly at Zechs as if he couldn't quite comprehend what he was saying. "That means Heero could still be alive. If he thought ahead and sent the clone into that battle, anyways. I've come here because I've found evidence pointing to him living here. Whether it's him or the clone, I don't know. But the clones have an irremovable tattoo on their backs, so I'll know if it's the real him or not. If it is the real him, I intend on killing him. He's your friend, and I don't mind a nice little competition every once in a while, so that's why I told you. If you get to him first, he lives. If I do, he dies. Fair enough?"  
  
Duo nodded his head slowly as if in deep thought. Heero could be alive? I'm not going to let him die... Better to not take chances. Zechs smiled. "Duo, are you going to attempt to kill me?" Duo nodded his head. "Yeah. You don't mind, do you?" Zechs laughed, shimmered, and disappeared. "Damn it. A hologram. He must have somehow ditched me on the way here and replaced himself with that hologram. Well, that's inconsequencial. I've got to get to Heero!" Duo ran from the warehouse and, after a few moments hesitation, went to the hotel to call Quatre.  
  
Well, isn't this interesting. I had intended this on being somewhat more of a serious fic when I started witing it. Do you know what happened to change that? I named it. And so now I shall continue to write Endless Polka...  
  
"QUATRE!! It's about time you got here! Heero's alive! Or at least he could be alive, anyways, that's what Zechs said, he said Heero found the clone some weird scientist guys made of him and so he could have sent it into battle and so the clone died and not Heero, which would mean that Heero's alive!" Duo shouted. "Duo, you'd make a great auctioneer... Somebody cloned Heero?" Duo nodded his head. "Yup. And Heero supposedly found that clone a while ago and stole it from the lab." Quatre smiled. "Well, at least I know this thing isn't malfunctioning." Duo gave Quatre a questioning look, and Quatre pointed to a square device in his hand. "The Super-Duper-Heero-Finder 8001. It's been saying Heero is somewhere in this colony ever since the fight with Mariamaia." Duo looked at the device in Quatres hand and then jumped about ten feet in the air. "I know where that is! Come on!" Duo grabbed Quatre by the arm and raced out of the hotel.  
  
"Duo, we can't go in there! Don't you know who lives there?!?" Quatre asked with a voice full of fear. "Nope. Don't care either. We're going to go in there and get Heero!" Duo ran into the front door of the building. "But... But HE lives there! The most scariestest villain in the entire universe, now that Mariamaia is no longer a scary villain. It's..."  
  
Inside the building....  
  
"HEEEEEEEEROOOOOOO!!! Where are you? I demand that you get over here right now!" An ominous shadow appeared on the wall to Duos left, and Duo spotted the shadow moving towards him. "W-Who's there?" There was no reply, only silence... "Hello? Heero, is that you?" The thing creating the shadow spoke. "Turn around slowly..." Duo did as the thing said, and found himself face to face with a sheep puppet. "My name is..."  
  
Outside of the building....  
  
"I have to go inside and warn Duo before he gets killed by..."  
  
Inside the building....  
  
"Oh, no! Are you telling me that you are the horrible, awful, evil..."  
  
Outside the building....  
  
"Duo, I'm coming to save you from the clutches of the evil..."  
  
Inside the building....  
  
"Yes, I am..."  
  
Outside the building....  
  
Quatre threw open the door and ran into the building.  
  
Inside the building....  
  
"Stop right there..."  
  
We now interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important announcement. We here at insanity industries are taking an important survey to find out how many of our viewers are insane. If you like this particular authors fics, you are insane. If you do not, you are even more insane and we will send the IRS, the FBI, the CIA, the CBS, PBS, NBC, and even the ABC after you. So read responsibly, and write reviews saying wonderful things about Endless Polka. We now return you to our irregularly scheduled programming....  
  
Duo stared at the battered and broken corps of the infamous Lambchop. "That fight probably cost a few billion dollars for all those great special effects! I hope none of the people out there missed any of it." Quatre nodded his head. "Well, now we should probably go and save Heero from the clutches of the evil whoever the hell lives here." Quatre suggested, and the two gundam piltos went deeper into the deep, dark, scary-looking place. They foudn themselves in a long hallway with three doors. "Quatre, which door do we go in?" Quatre looked at the signs over each door. "The one on the left says 'Certain Doom.' The one on the right says 'No Return.' And the rest of the sign over the one on the right is unreadable. The one in the middle says 'Secret Hideout.' Uhm... :Well, let's try certain doom." So the two boys entered Certain Doom.  
  
"Hehehehehe... Hahaha.... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Would you like to buy some curtains?" A voice from within the shadow-filled room asked. "Curtains?" Duo questioned. "Yes. This is Curtain Doom. We sell curtains at such a low price, we should be doomed to make no profit. But we make a large profit, actually." Quatre bought some curtains, and the two left Curtain Doom. "Well, nice lady, spooky shop, bad spelling... This place is interesting." Duo mumbled to himself. "What did you say?" "Nothing. Should we try No Return?" Quatre shook his head. "Probably just another store. Let's go to Secret Hideout." Duo agreed, and they oened the door labelled 'Secret Hideout.'  
  
Meanwhile, behind the door marked 'No Return...' "Where are they? Aren't they coming in here? I can't kill them unless they come in here. Where the hell are they?"  
  
Once Duo and Quatre entered the secret hideout, they saw the last person they had expected to see there. "Oh, no! It's... It's...." Duo began. "It is I,"  
  
We now interrupt this program to inform you that it is now just after 6 AM, and so I'm going to sleep. Therefore I will have the next chapter up soon, but there will be no continuation of this fic until I do so. Goodbye for now, people! 


	2. The Really Screwed Up Second Chapter

Well, Endless Polka is apparently somewhat popular. I suppose I should write the next chapter now. Hehehe... I haven't slept in just slightly over a day, I'm hungry 'cause I haven't been able to force myself away from my Playstation long enough to make it to the kitchen, I have made 11 digimon very accurately and detailedly out of clay, and the ears on the patamon were REALLY FUCKING HARD. But I think Giromons chainsaw was probably harder. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a chainsaw that isn't any taller than a letter on this page? It's actually kinda easy, but that isn't the point. Then again, digimon have nothing to do with this fic, so this opening paragraph actually has no point... Hmmm... Well, nothing more to say. Well, I've got lots more to say, but I'll save it for later. Now, onward to the fic! By the way, the kunemons legs were even harder than patamons ears, giromons chainsaw, redvegiemons arms, togemons hair, and monzaemons zipper all put together. It took me forever to get the damn segments to stick together, and then the legs... Two legs for each segment, six different segments that had legs, twelve tiny little cone-shaped legs. I kinda had fun doing them all, though. I had a lot of fun on giromon. He looks almost exactly like he looks in the card and video game. Dunno if he's in the tv show though. But if he is, my little clay giromon probably looks exactly like him. Damn, I've written a lot... Well... Uh... Here's... Something....  
  
"It is I, Gariagaya. Heeeeyy...." Gariagaya fixed his gaze on Duo. "Wow, you're cute. Can I have your phone number? Is 7 o' clock tomorrow night okay for you? Any preference on restaurants?" Duo frowned. "Don't you know we're here to kill you and rescue Heero?" Gariagaya gave Duo a hurt look. "Couldn't you have just told me you wanted to break up? You didn't have to be so rude..." Duo rolled his eyes and stepped forward, pushing Gariagaya out of his way and looking around the room for Heero. "Where is he?" Duo asked. "Uh... Where is who? I don't have a clue who you're talking about. There is nobody in the secret room below this one that is only accessible by the secret doorway in the back of this room that is activated by pressing the button hidden on the bottom of the right arm of the chair in the center of this room." Duo scratched his head. "Well, if he isn't there, where is he?" Quatre hit Duo. "Normally I wouldn't have done that, but you've been acting incredibly stupid lately. He just told us where Heero is!" Duo shook his head. "He said he isn't there, and gave us a detailed walkthrough on how to get there. Therefore he must have some kind of trap set for us down there." Quatre nodded his head. "I guess that makes sense..."  
  
Duo grabbed Gariagaya and slammed him up against the wall, where he held him while he punched him in the stomache repeatedly. "OW! Heero is in th-OW! The room under this one OW! You moron! Stop hi-OW! Hitting me! God damn it, if you OW! Hit me any more, I'll OW! I'll kill you!" Duo stopped hitting Gariagaya. "You think Heero really is in that secret room, Quatre?" Quatre shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, but there's only one way to find out." Duo nodded his head. "Yup. We go down there and see for ourselves." Quatre shook his head. "Nuh-uh. We throw him down there to make sure there are no traps. And love lies bleeding in my hands, it kills me to think of you with another man." Duo stared at Quatre with wide eyes and alowly made his way towards the door. "Er, sorry... Just a few lines from 'Love lies bleeding'. It's a song." Duo wiped some sweat off his forehead. "Good, I thought you'd gone crazy. Well, press the button on the chair." Quatre pressed the button, and a door in the back of the room opened up. Duo dragged Gariagaya to the door and tossed him into it.  
  
After a few moments of silence, Duo called out to Gariagaya. "HEY! Are you still alive? Is there a trap down there?" A few more seconds of silence, then Gariagaya replied. "OH SHIT! GET AWAY FROM ME! Uh... Yeah, everythings just fine! Hurry up and come down so it can eat you! Uh, I mean, Heeros waiting down here to greet you!" Duo stepped away from the door and examined the chair carefully, finding another button on the other side of the chair. Duo pressed the button and another door opened up in the back of the room. "Well, let's go." Duo said, walking towards the door.  
  
"Hehehe... Those idiots... I think my plan worked, and so now they're going into the wrong room where they'll be eaten by that big alligator I put in there..." Gariagaya stood up and stepped forward, where he ran into a wall. "Damn it... Not much room in here. And it's dark, too. Well, I'll just follow the light coming from the top of the stairs, and..." Gariagaya hit another wall, and he reached out to feel what he had just run into. "Let's see... What is 10 feet tall, scaled, and is not a wall?" Gariagaya pulled a pair of night vision goggles from his pocket and put them on. "Oh, shit..."  
  
"Heeeeeeeerooooooooooo!!! Where are you? You can't plant me in your penthouse, I'm going back to my plow!" Quatre yelled one they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Duo? I can't see very well, but I'm pretty sure you're backing away with that weird look on your face again." "Yup. You're saying weird things again." Quatre laughed. "Come on, my singing isn't that bad." "More lines from 'Love lies bleeding?" "Don't be silly, Duo. That was from 'Goodbye yellow brick road'." The two boys proceeded deeper into the room, and then Duo discovered a lightswitch. He flicked it on, and all the lights in the room came on. "Wow. It's all... Circusy. Very circus-like. Yup. All kinds of circus stuff here." Duo closed his eyes. "Too circus-like. Quatre, do you see any clowns?" "No." Duo opened his eyes and looked around. "Well... It's still circusy." Then a clown jumped out from behind a crate of rubber chickens. "Hi, boys and girls! I'm Nickelwise the clown!" A second clown jumped out from behind the first. "And I'm Dimewise!" A third clown jumped out from behind the second. "I'm Quarterwise!" A fourth clown jumped out from behind the third. "And I'm Centsless!" Duo screamed. "Duo, why are you screaming?" Quatre asked with a puzzled look on his face. Duo ran up the stairs yelling "Help! Mommy, mommy! Heeeeelp! Tomato Nose is going to get me!"  
  
Quatre sighed and shook his head. "That guy is hopeless. I'll be back in a few seconds. No clowning around while I'm gone, okay?" The clowns agreed to not clown around. "And don't try any funny business either, okay?" The clowns all nodded their heads. "I'm not joking. No funny business, and no clowning around." Quatre ran up the stairs after Duo. He found Duo curled into a ball in the corner of the room where they had found Gariagaya. "Duo, why did you run like that?" Duo lifted his head and gave Quatre a pitiful look. "I see dead people." He whispered. "You... You do?" Duo nodded his head. "Yes. Every time I go to the mortuary." Quatre sighed. "What doees that have to do with running away from clowns?" "Nothing." "I can see by your eyes, you must be lying when you think I don't have a clue." Duo shook his head. "I'm not lying." "Well baby your crazy, if you think that you can fool me, because I've seen that movie too." Duos eyes got large. "Did you just call me baby?" Quatre blushed. "Sorry. You can tell by the lines I'm reciting that I've seen that movie too." Duo looked at Quatre like he was crazy. "What movie?" "That's the name of the song. 'I've seen that movie too'." "Oh." Quatre grabbed Duos arm and pulled him into a standing position. "Come on, we have to go find Heero."  
  
"If it wasn't for Heero, I wouldn't go. Those clowns scare me..." Duo muttered as Quatre led him back down the stairs. Once they reached the bottom of the stairs, they saw the clowns grinning evilly at them. "Quatre? They're smiling, right? They aren't looking at us like they're going to kill us, right?" Quatre shook his head. "Of course they aren't. Right, clowns?" The four clowns attacked Duo and Quatre. "I knew they were going to kill us!" Duo screamed as he ran up the stairs, leaving Quatre to fend for himself. "Quatre? Oh, crap! He's still down there with those... Things... I have to save him!" Duo ran back down the stairs, but whhen he got about halfway down... "OW! Cramp! Gotta stop for a little while." Duo sat down on the stairs. "HELP!" Quatre yelled from the room below. "Hey, I just got a cramp from all this running! I'm sure whatever you're yelling about can wait a few more minutes." Then Duo remembered what was going on. "Damn those clowns..."  
  
Duo... Hobbled the rest of the way down the stairs. "Back off, or I'll kill you all!" He yelled. The clowns surrounding Quatre laughed. "How are you going to do that?" Quarterwise asked. "Simple. Quatremon! Digivolve to RaberbaWinnermon! Quatre sighed. "Duo, I can't digivolve." Duo frowned. "Damn. Uh... Quatre! Use your thundershock attack!" Quatre sighed again. "Zap. Zappy zap zap. I'm not a pikachu either, Duo. I can't use a thundershock attack." Duo sat down on the stairs and thought hard. "I've got it! Use your tongue slap attack!" Quatre stuck out his tongue. "Nope. It didn't work. Gee, could it be because I'm not a suezo? Oh, ya know what, I think that's why. Duo, I am not a digimon, pokemon, or a monster rancher monster. Got it?" Duos mouth fell open. "Y-You mean you can't even digivolve?" Quatre shook his head. "Well, then I only have one last idea." Quatre silently began to pray. Duo grinned and pulled a small device from his pocket and pressed the red button in the center. Nothing happened. "HA! Your stupid little button didn't work!" Duo nodded his head. "Yes it did."  
  
Duo pointed behind the clowns, and all four of them turned around to see what he was pointing at. Duo grabbed a rubber chicken and hit each of the clowns over the head with it, knocking them all unconcious. "See? It worked just fine." Quatre smiled. "Duo, that was brilliant!" Duo frowned as he turned towards Quatre. "What? What is it?" Quatre asked. Duo handed Quatre an egg. "What's this?" "It's a digi-egg. Now you can digivolve." Quatre gave the egg back to Duo. "No I can't. Now let's go find Heero." Duo agreed, and the two gundam pilots made there way to the door on the side of the room opposite the stairs. When they reached the door, the ground shook beneath them and they both fell to the ground. "What was that?!?" Duo asked, and then the ground shook again. After the next time it happened, they realised that the ground shaking was the result of something very large walking down the stairs. "Look out! He got loose! Run!" Gariagaya yelled from the top of the stairs.  
  
Oooooookay then. I think that about concludes this chapter. If I get lots of reviews, I'll put up the next chapter very soon. And now I suppose I shall cease to write for right now. So goodbye for now, people! 


	3. The Oddly Strange Third Chapter

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I can't waste time talking, here's CHAPTER 3!!!  
  
Duo and Quatre stared at the top of the stairs while Gariegaya dove off the stairs into the circus-like room. "Oh, god, we're all doomed! Save me!" Gariegaya cried pitifully while the two gundam pilots continued staring in horror. Suddenly, the creature Gariegaya was running from came into view, changing the shape of the doorway from a rectangle to a large, LARGE circle as it began to decend the stairs. "What are you all doing here? By the way, my name's Mimi. You know, I work for the pig on the Drew Carey Show. And you three are lunch. Now the introductions are over with, and I'm hungry!"  
  
The three boys went into a state of shock for a moment, but turned around and ran in the opposite direction of the stairway as soon as Mimi continued her descent. "HEEEEEEEEEELP!" Duo shouted in fear, running several feet ahead of the other two boys. "She's even scarier than a clown!" He said between sobs, just before slamming into a wall. "I don't know why the giant alligator wasn't enough to feed that thing, it should have been plenty... Unless the genetic mutation has accelerated as a result from gundanium, but I don't know how she got near the stuff... Unless... It must be in her makeup! If I could just get that makeup off of her, it should stop the effects of the gundanium acceleration process, and therefore I'd be safe..." Gariegaya muttered as he ran, and then suddenly stopped as he spotted a large roll of barbed wire and a super-size can of Makeup-B-Gon.  
  
Gariegaya grabbed the can in one hand and the barbed wire in the other, and turned to face Mimi. "I created you, and I can destroy you!" He yelled. "I don't think so! I'm unstoppable!" Mimi chuckled, causing the entire secret underground base to shake, knocking Duo, Quatre and Gariegaya to the ground. "Help! Help me!" Gariegaya cried out as Mimi picked him up off the ground and lifted him just above her mouth. "Wait... You can't do this to me! I'll stop you!" Gariegaya yelled as he began spraying Makeup-B-Gon all over mimi's face. Mimi hissed in pain as the makeup began to melt and run down her face. "No! Stop! Not my makeup!" She shrieked, grabbed at her face with both hands, causing her to drop Gariegaya.  
  
"I won't stop until I have stopped the evil I've created!" Gariegaya said as he continued to spray the Makeup-B-Gon at Mimi. Just as the giant beast was about to be destroyed, the can suddenly ran out of spray. "Uh-oh..." Gariegaya muttered as he realised what had happened. "AAAAAAAaaaaahh... That hurt, you little bastard!" Mimi growled, her face half melted off. "Just for that, I'll chew you up slowly and swallow you live!" Gariegaya dropped the can and stared at Mimi, a look of terror on his face. As Mimi picked him up and was about to drop him into her mouth, he remembered the barbed wire and used it like a whip to scratch the remaining makeup off of Mimi's face.  
  
Mimi dropped Gariegaya once again, and fell to the ground, hissing in pain. She began shrinking, and as Gariegaya watched her, she began to get smaller and smaller and smaller, until she completely disappeared. "Well... I'm glad that's over now... Now to kill those gundam pilots! Or just rip their clothes off, tie them to chairs and... Yes, I think I'll do that instead." Gariegaya decided as he began running in the direction Duo and Quatre had gone.  
  
"Hurry, Quatre, we're almost there!" Duo yelled as a door came into view at the end of the long and winding corridor. Duo nearly slammed into the door, but topped himself long enough to fling the door wide open and run inside. "Duo, wait for me!" Quatre shouted, just barely making it into the room before the door closed. "Heero? Are you in here?" Duo asked, his voice echoing throughout the darkened room. "I'll look for a light switch..." Quatre offered, and began fumbling around, feeling for a lightswitch. "Yeah, I guess I'll work on this side of the room..." Duo responded, and joined Quatre in searching for a lightswitch.  
  
It wasn't half a minute before Duo felt a protrusion. "Hey! Quatre! I think I found it! It's a little lower than I'd expect it to be, though... And actually, it's a lot bigger..." Quatre flipped on the lightswitch, illuminating the room, and then turned towards Duo. Quatre giggled nervously and turned to the side as he saw Duo with a hand right between Heero's legs. "AH!" Duo yelped, surprised, and then pulled his hand away. "Uh, sorry, Heero..." He muttered, blushing. "Oh! Hey, let me get those ropes off of you..." Duo began to untie Heero, still blushing as he did so. Once Duo had finished untying Heero, he removed the gag from Heero's mouth and apologized once more.  
  
"Uh... Anyways... We're here to rescue you." Duo said, just before the sound of someone crashing into a door was heard. "OWGODDAMMITTHATHUUUUUURT!" Gariegaya was heard cursing from the other side of the door. The door opened, and Gariegaya stepped inside, holding a hand over his left eye. "Alright... Now... I don't know how you found my base, or why you've been able to cause me so much trouble, but it all ends here!"  
  
Haha! Finally, my writers block comes to an end! I dunno if it was good or not, so, hey, you tell me! *grins happily as he goes off to write some more* 


End file.
